| Flashing Lights |
[29 Sep 2007|01:58am] |
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"Flaching Lights" Kanye |
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</div>
On the computer this late at night thoughts just pouring out thoughts with the beat of the as the lyrics take effect to my next thought. I have it on repeat. I probably love music just as much as him you feel it. I remember the time we were still high in the car listening to "You" by young lloyd. He forgets as he looks for the next best thing my next isn't to far by I can't help but see myself on that day. I am not always right thought only such much before you fall. Just want to let my body fall into his arms as he kisses me. I know what the reality is though am I running from it I know the truth about it. Fall... Fall... there will be no one there to catch me but God. Pull back relax, change his mind only one way if that way meant we could start over it would be all worth it. Run... away, let it him go. But let someone else have him?
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| How to get the Truth |
[25 Sep 2007|10:53am] |
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contemplative |
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I told D that I knew James was lying to me about talking on the phone with that girl. I explained to him that I asked James earlier that day what he was going to be doing. James explained that he was to have a watch later so he was going to study, take a nap and report to his watch 15 minutes before 0200 hours. I said James "Can I ask you a question? Can you be honest with me?" He replied "yeah....." I said "Are you going to get on the phone later?" He said "no" I said "If you have time call me cause there are a lot of things I need to talk about?" James replied "If I am able to call you it will be for one or two minutes" My response was "so you not gonna have time to talk on the phone to anyone later?" He says, "Nooo" I say "Don't respond to me as if I am asking a strang-" He interrupts "Anyways is there anything else you need to tell me" "I was just asking if you would have time later, what's wrong with that?" I say He replies "I just need you to chill" "Okay I am chillin, I will talk to you when you get a chance later or tomorrow" I say reassuringly "Okay" he says a little more relaxed "Okay bye" "Bye" Every part of me knew he was lying but what i didn't know how to do is stop him from doing this. He's done it since he was little and so have I so how could a grown 22 year old man change. The difference between he and I is that if someone asked me to be honest 98% of the time I am going to be honest with them. So D tell me you have to ask yourself why he's lying and why he is talking to her. I knew the answer to both of the questions part of him doesn't want to lose me and he told me about three weeks ago that he likes talking to her when he talk to me sometimes he gets a headache I get on his nerves sometimes basically. But D and I discussed this awhile back he gave me a conclusion to his apparent evaluation this morning that he believes I value companionship, with familiarity. Yes, this is partly true but not to the extent that he probably thinks. Anyways, D says once you realize why he is lying you can then figure out how to change it. I may not always work but I am going to take my chances. D explains that James says I get on his nerves. I need to figure how to get the information or the truth without being too abrasive where he feels like he has to lie. Instead of saying "Why did you lie to me?" which may be reminiscent of his mom asking him that way. Say calmly I just want to know what's going on between me and you. Come at it like a regular conversation. So I am going to try this later and see how it goes. |
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| well I just felt like writing |
[21 Jun 2007|05:48pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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music |
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"Breakdown" Mariah |
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I cant help but hear the uncertainties in his his voice, I know him well enough to know there is something he's hiding he is speaking more quickly than usual but I guess because he doesn't have much time before his officer tells him to get off the phone he's using all sort of military jargon. I listen closely though because this is his time he is the one that is away from home, and part of me still loves him I mean I was crying a couple hours before he called because he hadn't written me back and part of me thought he just didn't care it's ironic because the last time I was ballin my eyes out a letter came in the mail from him now a week later a phone call. I should have known I wasn't going to get to talk about myself or what I was doing he didn't even ask, now that I think of it. Which reminds that the words in that letter about how he loved me were shallow. He is still just as selfish as when he left his heart wasn't hurting for me like it use almost two years ago I guess cause there are other people there going through the same thing. I have tense feeling in my heart now because I know it's going to hurt to say goodbye and know it's going to be hard. In my mind I hear myself say "I am ready" though it must be my intuition, she always knows what's best for me. She's hurting though which means I am probably going to be doing a lot of crying in Chicago when I tell him. Trying to hold back is straining I keep wanting to put all these words into a letter and send it to him, and forget how stressful it might be there. Hopefully, this will be one of the last few times I will put my feelings second. I love him. I think about all the great things, moments. I miss him(James), I think about Darius I think "take it slow". Nothing about him reminds me of James except that he likes to talk. Possibly he listens a little better because when I start to speak over him he'll stop instead of plowing over my words. Kisses I think of Darius kissing me softly I don't even really think about sex with him just sensual kisses. wow I wonder if he knows the meaning of true love cause there is love and true love I don't think he does true love is deep, in your soul, and when you find true love you don't want to let that person go. You want them tied to your heart.
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| Back from the Dead |
[01 Apr 2006|09:16pm] |
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 full |
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work it out \beyonce |
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Yes I am back for times sake I am going to type this journal quickly. Spare me the critical comments about any mistakes I may make.
Well, I am sitting here watching X Men 2 on FX. A fews days ago I was watching Micheal Moore's documentary on George Bush and 9-11 for the second time. That movie manages to make any one who watches angry with Bush.
James and I maintain a relationship but one less serious than before. More of a casual relationship. Still a loving relationship. Other than that I am currently looking for a job I now have my degree and if you know anyone that is hiring call or email me.
Thank you all for posting commnents. I am glad your willing to voice your opinions after so long :)
I am getting my real estate license at the end of this semester and I am waiting for the next great opportunity, or looking rather. Hopefully I'll find what I looking for soon.
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| VOTE from Ya'll!!!!! |
[07 Mar 2006|02:52pm] |
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 hungry |
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music |
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"One and Only" Mariah Carey |
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I am taking a vote from ya'll!!!!!! As to which email address you think is the best! From the people who know best,
yes that means you!! Please choose one.
a) cns83@sbcglobal.net
b) cnsmall@sbcglobal.net
c) silstari83@sbcglobal.net
d) silstari4@sbcglobal.net
Please reply to silstari@aol.com with your favorite choice of a,b,c or d.
Unfortunately this vote will not get George Bush out of office.
:-( but thanks for voting! :-)
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[10 Oct 2005|06:44pm] |
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My Alll |
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1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at?
My eyes lately I have been looking to see if I have any dark circles under them.
2. How much cash do you have on you?
About $15
3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"?
Rest
4. Favorite plant?
The cocoa plant ooooohhh man I am craving chocolate right about now. Ladies you feel me? It's that time
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
LaShonda
6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?
Tropicasia
7. What shirt are you wearing?
A sort sleeve, cotton, cobalt blue shirt that buttons half way down
8. Do you "label" yourself?
Sometimes
9. Name brand of your shoes currently wearing?
NEW BALANCE! BABY!
10. Bright or Dark Room?
Dark my eyes hurt after a while it may be the impending brain tumor!
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
She's hilarious. Love her afro-centric personality and humor.
12. Do you know what an 8-track is?
Yeah,I have never seen one in person.
13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping
14. What did your last text message you recieved on your cell phone say?
If you want to call back we need to have a serious talk
15. Do you ever click on Pop-ups or banners?
Ugh. Only once or twice that I can remember.
16. What's a saying that you say a lot?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do!
17. Who told you they loved you last?
James. He has my heart too.
18. Last furry thing you touched?
A towel, I guess.
19. How many hours a week do you work?
I about to graduate nothing is going to get in my way!
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
Just one.
21.Favorite age you have been so far?
17....My first real love.
22. Your worst enemy?
Hmmm I dont't know, I think she might be one of my best friends.
23. What is your current desk top picture?
Factory E-machine background
24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
How do you turn the pop ups off to get your mail?
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to erase all of your regrets, what would you choose?
A million dollars that should be enought to cover thearpy for all those regrets.
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| Its Been a Long Time Shouln't Have Left YOU Without a Dope Journal to Step to |
[13 Sep 2005|08:56pm] |
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"Kissin You" SWV |
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He finally made it to the wedding. When we got there we thought all the food had been eaten in what we thought was the actual reception. So I headed to the bar only to find Landon already there drinking a Shiner, Mia and Lindsay and her boyfriend (who very nice and seems to fit her personality well) later found there way there also soon we were all drinking and talking have a good time. Steph arrive with Ladric in their limo and I soon found out that small room with crumbs left over in metal hotplates was the pre reception to the reception. It got better I found out I was going to be announced I made sure the DJ knew how to say my name properly I would have been upset otherwise. All the bridesmaids and groomsmen were announce before the bride and groom and then escorted to the dance floor. I know it was her day but I was honored just to be there. The reception got started the Mexican that the bridesmaids and groomsmen got to eat first was very good, along with the cake and chocolate covered strawberries I later stuffed myself with. After the toast Cristal insisted I get on the dance floor I enjoyed moving my ass on the dance floor despite the painful pink shoes I was wearing. Cristal, her sister, sister’s friends, James and I were the last people there I danced around James a little amused with the fact we hadn’t done anything in about a week I knew it was getting to him. We left and then headed to my apartment Denton where he spent the night.
Last weekend Cristal, Star and I went on a road trip it was fun to get away with the girls. We went to San Antonio and hit the tourist spots which included Fiesta Texas, Sea World, and the Riverwalk. For the most part I enjoyed… well I enjoyed all of it. Although Cristal was annoyed with both me and Star at one point for the most part it was good we all agreed we want to do it again sometime.
Prayers out to Hurricane Katrina victims everyone here has their story about who they know in one of the three states. So I am not going to tell mine but I will say that I am sad to announce that James is has left for three-four months to fix roofs in Mississippi he is get paid very well and decided its something he must do. I miss him dearly much it has given me time for myself and the last semester of school. I am contemplating about going myself after graduation during my semester off, before I start graduate school.
I am interested to hear what you all personally think about Hurricane Katrina?
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| STOP! |
[25 Aug 2005|06:47pm] |
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music |
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Boyz II Men "Just Enjoying myself" |
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The wedding has been over for about five days now. I had a great time, dancing, eating, just enjoying myself. The days leading up to it were a bit stressful. The results were worth it among compare to the myriad of people that showed up to the reception there were few people that actually came to the wedding including my mom who thought it started at 3pm. James was late he got pulled over almost got arrested and got lost. He made it by the time we started taking pictures..... To be continued.... It's time for me to "clock out"
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| Dor win |
[18 Aug 2005|03:55pm] |
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Kanye - Jamie Foxx "Gold Digger" |
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I am truly excited about the upcoming wedding I have been waiting for the 20th of August since I was first informed of the engagement. Saturday is not to far away I have so much to do. I am tired I didn't sleep well. I left the TV after working out, and it's that time of the month.
The Bachlorette party last weekend was fun. It reminded me a little of back in the day. Although I wore these shoes that killed my feet, so I wasn't able to dance as much as I wanted to. I have I a lot to do in the next few days, whew makes me stressed just thinking about it I need to relax.
The alternator went out on my car and I had to get it repair after what seems like forever the drama with my mama was over. We finally got the car towed to Pep Boys today. Oh what a relief I feel.
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| Song Love |
[09 Aug 2005|03:48pm] |
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music |
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"Love" Musiq |
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I love to sing not that I actually can sing very well. However I find myself in the car making up songs and sing to a made up melody. Most most recent song comes from the heart usually I come up with chorus but not much more than that.
Okay so I have post an entry in a while but I am more confident in my future than I have been in a long time. I can feel my self maturing my education, career, and relationship. I have one semester left and I will be concluding the long struggle of my college education I am ready to put my Bachelor's degree in a frame and hang it on the wall next to my Associates degree. I am ready to get my Masters next I already know my step in life and I guess that's what feels so invigorating. Knowing what school I am going to next who its being payed for and that I won't be lonely out of state cause my love is going to be with me.
The situation with my car has finally panned out.
My love for James has grown in addition to our relationship. But most of all I AM GRADUATING SOON!!!!!!!!
Life is treating me well I am truly blessed I thank God I have made it this far.
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| THE QUIZ! |
[09 Aug 2005|03:36pm] |
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"We Belong Together" Mariah Carey |
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| You scored as sweetie. You're a sweetie. Everyone loves you. You love everyone. You're probably really cute, too, and smart, and wonderful.
sweetie | | 60% | funny guy | | 50% | diva | | 42% | drama freak | | 38% | computer whiz | | 35% | smart jock | | 32% | clique member | | 28% | wanna-be loner | | 27% | goody-good | | 17% | druggie | | 17% | wanna-be gangster | | 15% | band geek | | 10% | total nerd | | 10% | </td>
Which completely realistic small town high school stereotype fits you?
created with QuizFarm.com |
I dont know what to make of this quiz. What do you think?
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| Waiting |
[21 Jun 2005|05:25pm] |
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At this moment I am just waiting for 6:30 to leave work. It seems life patience is most important because life is full of waiting. Waiting for the future and waiting for time to pass to forget about the past. Waiting for PMS to pass to see James tonight to work out the extra five pounds.
However it's what you do while you wait what actions you take that makes the waiting time pass faster.
I am just tired, the lack of sleep is the primary reason I feel this way.
Well, nothing to exciting has happened just my summer class and work.
I spent time with my Dad on Father's Day we went to church and then to and event called REAL MEN COOK I did most of the promotional graphic design for the event so I was excited to see some of my work published on flyers, posters, websites and in the paper.
We then we went to an African Culture Village in Hutchins some where off of I-20 near 1-45. There they did a Sankofa reinactment.
Last Friday I went to Six Flags rode most of the better, bigger rides there were no lines at all I had a Churro and Caramel Apple. I can't wait to go again I think I lost two pounds walking around the park.
Well back to work here is some the graphic design work that I did. The link to REAL MEN COOK website with my graphic design projects. <---click here
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| The Past Five Years... |
[05 Jun 2005|03:52pm] |
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"Closet" R. Kelly |
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2000- Like yesterday I remember Lindsay giving us our Diva pins she got from Claire's I thought they were so cute. For the first time I felt like I was a part of something more. Years passed before that I had friends but I went to so many different schools that I had never established a strong group of friends I could actually count on. Perhaps I was too shy or too much of only child my best friend Francesca was the one constant friendship I maintained we have been friends since fourth grade and we are still friend to this day. We have both changed in different directions but we value the importance of the time we known each other, which is something anyone new you met doesn't have. However, as for a group of strong, black, middle class, intelligent, ladies, I had never known a group of friends like this before. We were so much alike yet so different and each one added to the dynamic of the group. We use to sit around and talk about how we would be like in fifty years some older ladies sitting around laughing it up about the good old' days. Back then we were like sisters getting into trouble and being teens. I was always going to be the youngest though, but we'd look out for one another no matter what. Anyways, so we gradated in the pink and gray we all wore under our gowns. The end of school didn't keep us from hanging out all summer.
2000-2002- Despite my idea to join the Air Force and get out of Texas and away from home I went to Tyler it was far enough from Dallas. I got my associates degree there in Graphic Design.
2003 - I went half way across the country to pursue and internship at Walt Disney World I was two of forty to accept from my school into the internship program. There I established new friendships. Which were hard to maintain outside of the state of Florida. I came back to Texas eager to be back in school and away from home out of state cost was out of the question. So I decided to go to the UNT a school which has one of the top Graphic Design programs in the state it was an hour from home about the same distance as Ft. Worth wait, Ft. Worth is about thirty minutes from Dallas. I reside in an apartment in Denton, I go to UNT I have a great job doing what I love to do, great friends a great boyfriend and overall I am happy with my life. I like being away from home I am not a homebody I actually don't care for Texas. Which is why after I graduate in December 2005 I plan to leave Texas.
January 2006- I was offered a full scholarship to U Conn for graduate school whether or not I am going to pursue it remains uncertain. However, I love the northeast, I always have....
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| REunited and it feels SO GOOD! |
[30 May 2005|01:46pm] |
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happy |
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"Loved" Destiny'd Child |
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Yesterday was filled with a spectrum of emotions. My initial plans for the day were arranged on Friday; mentally I had it all planned out. I was going to wake-up go run around the block a few times, shower, try on the clothes I brought, go to the mall then meet up with the Divas to purchase the bridesmaid dresses. I woke up and then next thing I know my mom is asking me if I will take my grandmother from our house, to my her (my grandmothers) house so that she could get showered and dressed there and then bring her back to our house. While we currently have three working showers and one that was fixed especially for her I didn't understand the point. I explained to my mom what I had planned for the day it was 12:00pm this would have thrown my schedule completely off. After I told her I probably would not be able to take grandmother to her house she started giving me attitude, it was overall really stupid. For example I asked her where the pots were that were on the stove on Friday he response was "I don't know!" Now being that my mom and me are the only people in the house with ENOUGH strength to lift the pots she is the only one that could have moved them. I asked her again she said, "I don’t know" three more time before finally saying, "why don’t you get up and look for them" I responded back "Why? I am in the living room you are in kitchen standing by the dishwasher and you were the only one that could have moved them why don’t you just tell me where they are?" This went back and forth for a while I just laughed it off in the end because it was so ignorant to me. So I go in and talk to my grandmother explain to her why might not be able to take her and when I possibly could if I did. My mom over heard the conversation apparently and thought I was taking her because the next thing I know she ask me in the sweetest voice if I want some fruit that she is cutting up. I cringed at her tone and was annoyed with I viewed completely dysfunctional.
The day didn't get too much better I had to shell out eighty-three dollars half of the one hundred and sixty-nine I am going to have to pay for the bridesmaid dress that we finally all agreed upon. I felt like everything was going to back once we all got to the restaurant and started drinking but we ended sitting in the smoking section next to a crying baby who was probably irritated that her parents were blowing smoke in her face. I feel sorry for the kid as felt my lungs starting to tighten up I coughed and didn't really wanted to take a deep breath I mean all know second hand smoke is worst than smoking first hand. I coughed again as looked at that poor baby all I could think was my asthma and how that baby might develop it too. Anyways, I moved to asking Mia why she wanted to sit in the smoking section when she wasn't going to smoke?
After we left the restaurant things were cool for a while maybe it was the drink I had but we walked around Ft. Worth and went to the book store were we sat and talked about plans for the wedding and toast we might give at the dinner. :-) After that we all ventured to AMC and we saw The Longest Yard overall it was funny predictable but funny. I would recommend this movie if your out with friends and just need a good laugh you would definitely have a good time. So we leave the movie and head to the bar as planned which I was kind of excited about I had not stayed out late with the girls in awhile. Well we get in the bar which was free and we start to walk around, I see Mia and Cristal talking then Cristal walks away basically it ended up being this big argument about class, being ghetto, and expanding your socialization. Which was not note I had hope we would all end on, me being the passive, peacekeeper I am.
When I got back to Grand Prairie I met up with my bf in Cedar Hill and ended up spending the night at his house. I missed him I had not seen him in almost a week and laying with him felt so good, so warm, like your favorite blanket fresh out of the dryer, that type of feeling. Although I was being a drama queen last night he knew exactly what to do :-) to make the day end just right.
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| Off to see the WORLD |
[26 May 2005|07:34pm] |
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excited |
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KEM |
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Work today was not too stressful overall it was good. I usually get free food for lunch today my boss brought back  and  . It was good being that I was so hungry.
The rest of the time I spent on the computer looking up vaction spots for the summer James is taking me on a trip for the  . I just have to figure out where I want to go and find the best deal. This is going to be so much fun!!!!!!
Hey! Where are some good places to vaction for the 4th of July?
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| My Heart Says: |
[17 May 2005|11:33am] |
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mood |
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loved |
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music |
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"Love" Musiq |
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Saturday Mia graduated and she had a graduation party at her mom's house. After a long work out I struggled to get dressed it took me forever because Cristal said to wear a skirt I finally got there hours late and every one was already intoxicated and Star wasnt even wearing a skirt. I felt it necessary to announce the porn I was returning to J as walked in. Then Cristal pointed out how cute my La Pearla bra was as she noticed to strap J couldnt help but comment that he had seen it before, he had to get back at me! But it was all good I had good time overall at the party.
Yesterday James came to my mom's house to spend the day with me we had plans to leave for Denton around 2:30pm. Well, I started doing my laundry and I was a little dirty my self so I decided to stop cleaning my clothes and clean myself. James joined me in the shower and was one of the best showers I have had in a long time he washed me from head to toe... talk about romantic. Up until the point when I heard my grandmother in the guest room I wasnt too suprised because I expected her and her RN to come to the house at any time. I had already prepared by locking all entries to my bathroom and my room. We got out the shower dried off, I put my robe on to see where my grandmother was in the house while he got dressed. Only to find her sitting in the kitchen painting her nails, she was sitting in a place where she could see both exits to the house. So we waited and waited until she went into the guest bedroom to take a nap. While we waited he continued the romantic sort of mood by rubbing my feet with lotion I was so relax I almost fell asleep until I felt him kissing my thighs. I am sure your can firgure out the rest. It was great, eventually my grandmother took her nap I took him right out the front door while I went out the back. He said he wanted to got to Red Lobster so he followed me to the one on Northwest Highway I got Lobster, Crab legs and shrimp a baked potato and my favorite cheddar biscuits mmmm.. I was so good. Finally we headed back to my apartment and fell asleep together. mmmmmmmm.... I could get use to this.
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| Pop a bottle! |
[03 May 2005|07:14pm] |
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mood |
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 busy |
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music |
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"Now that I found love" Ashanti |
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Last night I stayed up to about 1 after I work on my paper and talked to James. Then I got up rushed to get dressed and started my journey to work while putting on my make-up, between 70-80 mph. I got to work at 11:01 but my supervisor wasnt even here yet so I was good. I went directly to the computer lab and started doing a little bit of internet research. Then in comes my boss Mr. Allen and he started rambling about updating the database. Then the new secretary Cristal Rose was on another computer already in the database and two people can not log on to the database at the same time. I was filled with relief as he redirected the directions to Cristal once he figured out she was already on the database. SO she updated the database until it was time for her break during her break I had to do a few of them but then she came back with Grandy's chicken fried steak meal that my boss brought for me and the other intern. After that I worked on the database a little while longer. Then he annouced me and the other intern were going on a fieldtrip, Cristal was then directed to finish the database while we to Fry's and MircoCenter in Plano. We saw my bosses family historic land it was kind of interesting. On the way back we ran into traffic which gave me time to take a nice cat nap. We left around 2 and by the we got back it was 5:40, I get off at 6:30 so basically I just kind of sat in the computer lab until it was time for me to go. Oh well I make a copy. Since Cristal finished entering all the names in the database. I am so thankful I didnt have to do that I have been working on that database for months hopefully he doesn't ask me to enter anymore names, I think that before she got here that was part her job description anyway. SO now I am going to finish my PowerPoint for class and finish my paper for Sociology.
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| IS THIS THE END! |
[01 May 2005|10:17pm] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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music |
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"Bobby Valentino" Slow Down |
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OKay finals are coming up but somehow I feel as if they passed and I am just trying to keep up. SO managing my school work and my internship is a task in itself. I am making it though. Balancing that and realtionship makes it all the more difficult. I have discover this week that I am easily able to shift from giving 110% of myself to 25% no matter how much I love someone. The fact is I know he will still me will me giving 25%. I know he's not going anywhere for sure. He also remined me that not matter how much shit happens that The most important thing to me is wether or not someone is there for me along with the usual honesty. As an extentsion of Lindsay's journal one thing I cant stand are people that are fat/obese and lazy. Like this guy I dated once man that shit was annoying.
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| Just Me Today |
[19 Apr 2005|02:02pm] |
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mood |
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loved |
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music |
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Usher "You've got it bad" |
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I love this picture of my friend Fran.
Maybe one day we will be able to catch each other I always miss her call. Miss you Fran!
I spent about three days with James Sunday through Tuesday morning we cooked together Sunday and Monday night he made chicken and macaroni for me I made spinach. Then Monday I made him a burger with chili cheese fries. He even did the dishes on Sunday. Then Monday night we had our first break through argument I was really dramatic though probably due to the fact that I can be a bit of a drama queen. Overall, it was a good thing though we realize more about each other. And that love makes you do crazy things.
Haven't you ever done something crazy cause you were in love?
? </p>
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silstari's journal